Oops!.. I Did It Again
Britney Spears, Oops!...I Did It Again, 2000
The amorous attention of admirers is an interesting experience that cross dressers have to deal with when presenting as an attractive female. Depending on your state of gender and sexual self-acceptance, this attention may be exhilarating, mildly amusing, unwanted or just downright frightening. So, as a trans-gendered person aspiring to total femininity, I thought it would be fun to write a blog to describe my thoughts and experiences with admirers.
In simple terms, presenting yourself online or in public as a female now exposes you to the same attention that our genetic sisters receive, plus a bit more. Why do I say a bit more? Well, attractive women are always of interest to the male ape descendants who are wondering around trying to impregnate anything they perceive as female. There are undoubtedly many admirers who think that our desire to present ourselves as female means we want the same attention than our genetic sisters, depending on what we wear and things we say. Males from cultures that have less respect for women may even take the view that because we have decided to "degrade" ourselves in their eyes, or leave the recognised male/female stereotype, we have in fact sunk below their already shamefully poor view of women and are now nothing other than sex objects. In simple terms, there are some admirers that assume that because we have changed our appearance from lions to antelopes, it must mean we no longer want to be a hunter and instead want to be hunted.
As it turns out, this view is correct for some dressers who enjoy the attention of men when dressed. For a trans woman identifying as female, the correct response to being asked to go for a drink by the buff 29-year-old boy in a blue top and bursting with muscles is “Oh yeah!” However, the spectrum in the cross-dressing community is wide and varied and there are many dressers who essentially still identify as male, and so remain attracted to the female form. For a dresser with 'lesbian' tendencies, the response to being asked to go for a drink with the same fit guy in a blue top can be quite different; options now include saying no thank you politely, running away, throwing up, or just punching him. And my friends, it would not have been such a fun life had I not actually witnessed all of the above responses acted out over the course of various nights on Canal Street in Manchester. Regardless, if like me you want to present as a female, then it is a good idea to learn how to handle admirers in the same way as any other genetic female. Learning how to deal effectively with admirers and potential partners, on and offline, is as much a part of being a woman as choosing what to wear.
Now I must admit that my opening section has been written with male admirers in mind; the guys who dress straight irrespective of their sexual preferences. However, we encounter a whole range of other admirers including other dressers and even genetic girls who like the idea of a fully feminised cross dresser. So, in the following sections I will write about my experiences with each of the main admirer groups I have encountered. Sitting here at the keyboard, it has just dawned on me that this is a frightening large topic to have taken on! Apologies in advance if I miss anything that you would like to know more about. I can always tidy up any loose bits *cough* in another blog.
So, in true Steffie fashion I’m going to share my view openly based on my own experience. These may be wholly unrepresentative of your own views for a variety of reasons including personal risk tolerance, if and where you go out, and level of experience of being a girl in public. Please do not take me as preaching and again, I am purely sharing my views. I would be interested to hear about your own experiences and feel free to comment on the blog, or on Facebook. Rest assured; I will keep it light-hearted with the usual sprinkling of silly stories.
Welcome to the Jungle
Before talking about particular types of admirers, it is interesting to reflect on some gender and cultural aspects that are intriguing.
On my first sorties into public as a cross dresser many moons ago, I was super conscious of people looking at me all the time. I was waiting to be caught out and publicly ridiculed by everyone I passed. Then in discussion with a pretty genetic female at work, she mentioned that lots of men checked her out all the time, no matter what she was doing, or what she was wearing. This girl was a cutie and she admitted that she enjoyed the attention in say, a night club or party setting. However, she hated the intimidating experience of having been curb-crawled by a group of four guys, a frightening and degrading experience for any woman.
The point of this little story is that I arrived at an important understanding; men were not looking at me because they knew I was a dresser, but were checking me out the same way they check out every other woman, as if on auto-pilot. Now this might seem a blindingly obvious statement, but it is an important fact for dressers nervous of their own shadow to remember, especially when taking your first steps out of the closet. For myself, when I arrived at the conclusion guys were checking me out because I looked like an attractive female, it dawned on me that I had truly joined the sisterhood. As happy as this idea makes me feel to this very day, it also means I now have to endure prying eyes, like it or not.
Our genetic female sisters learn very quickly in life that the more you dress up the more attention you get. It forms the basis for the age-old parental debate with their teenage daughter, "do you really think you are going out wearing THAT young lady?!" Now you could argue that attractive guys can smarten up and have a similar impact on the opposite sex. Indeed, I myself can still turn on the boy charm, when wearing a sharp suit and shiny shoes I can still attract the ladies. It's true, honestly!
The reality is that men are not sexualised to the same degree as women. The result is that when you cross dress you can suddenly notice a stark difference in interest levels towards you, even when you are dressed conservatively...that means dressed down, not looking like Margaret Thatcher. I know from many years of experience, when I 'cross-over' the attention level I receive increases dramatically. On the London tube going to Boys Will Be Girls, not one person notices dull boy-me, and yet 6 hours later, Steffie catches the eye of every boy in town. Am I allowed a little 'oh yeah' at that thought? No? Spoil sports. Another example of this same effect is if you have a boy and a girl Facebook account; the girl account may well get 30 messages a day whilst the boy account gets 30 messages a year, if he is lucky.
I will now throw a grenade into the campfire. What I have just written above is complete nonsense for where I live in Scandinavia. Why? Well, I can go shopping cross dressed any day of the week in Aarhus, Copenhagen, Malmo, Odense and literally no one looks at me or bothers me in any way. I can go about my business and if people want to engage, they do, but they don’t generally stare at me en-mass when I climb out of a taxi in a mini-dress. It is possibly because people in the Nordic countries seem to be more private and respectful of other people’s space. What I know for a fact is that women are not sexualised in Nordic countries anything like to the same extent as back home in Blighty. This is quite amazing given the high number of attractive Valkyries I see on a daily basis. Actually, I really should come out and admit, I am very positive about Scandinavia on a number of fronts, including their liberal mindset. I really hope they keep their open-minded view of the world, especially in the face of what seems to be increasing intolerance in world politics. Bad Steffie...mentioned the dreaded "P" word. Better get back to talking about admirers.
Admirer group 1. Benevolent Male
So top on my list of admirers to discuss, and my personal favourite, is the benevolent male admirer. Appearing more openly online than in real life, the benevolent admirer is a kind soul who distinguishes himself by being well mannered and respectful. These guys genuinely understand how to talk to a woman as a gentleman should; no cock shots, no overtly open sexual advances, no nonsense. These kind souls are worldly wise and may be a supporter of human rights in a broader context than just LGBTQ+. As a result, they naturally view any dresser as having a right to express themselves as they see fit. It is often the case that these chaps just adore anything they perceive as female, and so like genetic women and good-looking dressers in equal measure. For some admirers in this group, they may even have a secret or not-so-secret passion for dressers, or secretly wish they could dress and so enjoy living vicariously through yourself.
The really great thing about benevolent male admirers is that if you meet one in real life, they typically make super companions for whatever you arrange to do together. These chaps will be delighted to have the attentions of a hot dresser and they are typically just super happy to be in the situation without placing lots of expectations on you. If you desire to experience what it feels like to be cherished like a beautiful woman, then my friends these are the gentlemen you want to get your claws into when you meet one. And if it is a Sugar Daddy that you are seeking, it is one of these guys you want to catch. Not that I know anything about that sort of practice, of course. What?! Honestly, I don’t!
There is really nothing else to say about benevolent male admirers other than they are my ideal companion of choice. If an orderly line of candidates could form up, I will make my choice of suitor now please.
Admirer Group 2. Idiotic (Rude) Males
For all the benefits of the internet, every dresser knows and roll their eyes at the cringe-worthy lack of social grace in the messages they receive from some male ape descendants. Things that should never be said from one stranger to another suddenly appear in your inbox, making it feel instantly contaminated due to the filthy and disgusting nature of the messages. Yes, like so many of my dear readers, I too receive the most idiotic requests and pictures of people’s parts. And, I can assure you it does not stop at online messaging.
In the same way it takes courage to step out into real life as a dresser, it equally takes courage to step out and show yourself as a 'tranny' chaser. In real life, the idiotic male admirers are every bit as courageous, after a few drinks, and will allow their boy parts to dictate the nonsense that spews out of their mouths. Often over excited at the idea of fulfilling a fantasy, they simply disengage brain and let Neanderthal man take over their mouth organ. Now of course, our genetic sisters have to put up with similar nonsense, but I still think you have to be a cross-dresser to really understand the depth defying levels of stupidity of some male fantasists.
Idiotic and malevolent admirers who I will discuss next, generally have one thing in common; neither group have much (if any) respect for females and no idea how to talk to a member of the opposite sex. In fact, they possibly have no idea how to communicate properly with other human beings, period. Please don't take that comment as sitting in judgement by the way; the sad truth is that many of these guys have not been as lucky as us in life and are themselves socially broken people in many ways. Whilst I jest in the section to come, in many instances I do feel sad for these folks; they are left on the scrap heap of life maybe having a poor education, limited communication skills, or a low probability of meeting a nice partner.
Regardless, we must take care of ourselves and I trust that it goes without saying you should never meet someone in real life whose first message to you includes a picture of a well-known male body part. If you do, then be clear that sexual expectations have been set whether you meant it, or not.
So, lets do a few worked examples from my experience to demonstrate the quite idiotic and rude behaviour that this group of primates often exhibit.
Worshipper (TVChix 2017)
Admirer: Steffie, you are gorgeous I want to worship you
Steffie: You want to worship me? I’m not a lump of rock in a medieval village. I’m not the Monolithic type
Admirer: Please my darling, I want to lick you all over
Steffie: That’s disgusting. What is wrong with you? Do you normally go around in public offering to lick people? How has that worked out for you so far?
Admirer: Please I want to lick your shiny legs top to bottom
Steffie: You are not. My Wolfords (tights) are expensive and you will get them all slimy
Admirer: Please my darling, I want to wash your crack with my tongue
Steffie: Are you suggesting I am not clean? I do shower you know. I don’t need an additional personal cleaning service. I am not a cat
Admirer: Make me put my tongue in your ass
Steffie: Well, I suppose it could help cut down on water bills...etc until he got the point
Double Trouble (Ronnie Scotts, 2018)
A short man sits down in the booth with my friend Jenny and I, putting his drink down, before looking up and realising we are trans. He suddenly looks shocked.
Admirer (shocked): Oh wow. Didn’t know you were that type of women!
Admirer (looks around furtively then says in low voice): Out of interest, what would be the best outcome if I took you two home tonight?
Jenny (calm professional voice): Well, naturally the first thing we will do is spit roast you.
Short man internally combusts and literally runs away, without picking up his drink.
The Hobby Expert (Facebook, 2016)
Admirer: My hobbies are Whisky, Smoking, Vodka and Gambling.
Steffie: My, how I can resist? Whisky and Vodka as a hobby you say? That is unique.
The Over Ambitious (Warehouse, 2005)
Admirer (approaches me with opening gambit): You need me...(winks)...in you
Steffie: I'm just guessing right, but you don’t’ pull often, do you?
Admirer Group 3. Malevolent Males
Okay, so that is the fun part over. We now come onto a group of 'admirers' I not only dislike but am cautious to avoid as much as possible, the malevolent male admirer. These days there is not so much rude or aggressive behaviour online as there used to be, in say some of the black screened online chat rooms of the 90's. That said, I still very infrequently get the odd "you're a man" comment on Instragram after I refuse to respond to some guys advances. So yes, there are still some rude nasty people writing the odd comment, but then you just block the offending individual and you never have to worry about them again. However, it is an altogether different experience and skill set to deal with nasty or hostile admirers in real life.
During the daytime typically the worst thing a dresser has to deal with is the very infrequent rude comment shouted at you from a distance by juveniles or louts you may encounter. Naturally the best approach is just to ignore it and walk on. Of more concern, I have had problems with suspicious looking men following me in central London before now, even in daylight hours. The right way to deal with this situation is just to walk into any building that has a security guard (that is every other building in London these days) and say loudly to security "Excuse me, that man seems to be following me, can you help?" At this point the security guard will get involved, and/or the dodger will quickly disappear. I had to do this near Horse guards and got rescued by a rather attractive soldier. No, it wasn't a setup! I can not believe you even thought that. I needed protected by a big tough man okay!?
At night however, things take on a much more serious aspect as your safety and well-being may be at risk, and there are fewer gallant heroes around to come to your rescue. In addition to obviously hostile men, there are also dangerous-admirer-types that can take on the form of initially decent enough guys, but they have an agenda and invariably it involves abusing you in some form or another. In my experience, the really dangerous 'admirers' drift around alone as they do not want any associates knowing what their carnal desires are, or the horrible things they have in mind. I am always more wary of the 'lone wolf' than abuse from any guy standing in a group of other guys.
I will now apologise in advance for writing down what is going to be common sense, but here are some basic rules that my genetic female friends taught me to avoid ending up in bad situations with malevolent admirers:
1. Never let an unfamiliar man buy you a drink you did not see poured or handled all the way from the bar tender to your hand.
2. A male admirer in the company of his friends is always a better bet than a guy drifting around alone. The guy with friends has some level of social normality whereas the drifter has a reason for being alone and this could include being able to do 'bad things' to other people without any of his friends or associates finding out.
3. Make sure friends know where you have gone if you leave with someone unfamiliar to your group. Even if out alone, text a friend on FB your plans so at least someone knows.
4. Social Media makes it really easy to find out about people really quickly. Before leaving a venue in the company of someone new, make an excuse, go to toilet, and check them out on Facebook and Insta. No profiles = dodger.
5. Never stand outside clubs at night alone no matter how many other people are around. Use your feminine whiles on the doorman and get inside.
6. NEVER walk home alone if it is any distance. You may feel like a tough guy inside but your male persona that normally frightens away other predators is not on display. That means predators on the streets may feel more inclined to approach you. Even assuming you can deal with an attacker when dressed, it ruins the female moment doing as I did in Bournemouth and sending a guy to hospital with his arm broken in three places.
7. Only take cabs with registered drivers. As an example, in London I will only use Black Cabs or Addison Lee as the peeps are fully vetted.
8. Pay off staff at the desks of your favourite top restaurants, and bouncers on the doors of your favourite clubs. One memory I savour was watching Tommy from Zuu Bar use an abusive admirers head to open the emergency escape door, especially as it took 2 attempts. Definitely the most entertaining twenty pounds I ever gave to a doorman.
Okay so we are done with the boys and let us move onto the genetic females. Yaaay!
Admirer Group 4. Genetic Females
For a lot of dressers, the panacea is to find a beautiful genetic female, accepting of cross dressing, and with whom they can live the feminine dream. Now, had you asked me 20 years about the likelihood of this occurring, I would have laughed out loud. And this is why...
Many genetic female friends have told me over the years that most traditional women want a hunter who will cherish, protect, and provide her with a stable home to raise a family. In the same respect most traditional women do not want to discover after marriage that it is in fact their man who needs protected, and that instead of contributing to a stable home he (she?) is going to cause instability with a whole range of emotions and issues that the wife never expected (or indeed wants) to deal with. Assuming a wife is not immediately heartbroken by the feeling of being betrayed or lied too, there are enough problems in life without entertaining a man who cross dresses and all the complexity and questions that conjures up. If there are children involved, well the women may enter full Lioness mode, being fearfully concerned for the negatively impact you may have on her pride. That is of course, before a wife considers the damage to herself and her own sense of femininity and social standing.
So in addition to the views of genetic female friends and my own experience, I have many cross dressing friends who agree that my little ditty above is indeed true to the types of response they received when revealing themselves to a female partner of 35+ years of age.
However, returning to the subject of genetic female admirers, the world has changed and so has my views. The stereotyped view of female behaviour described above does not always hold true in the under 30's. Why do I say that? Well, in the last 10 years I have met and dated hotter, and more open-minded genetic women as Steffie than I ever did as a boy. Now at this point, you have probably just dropped your cornflakes and are pointing at your laptop or mobile phone exclaiming “no way!”
Well my friends, it is true.
The key to success here is knowing yourself, knowing your audience and being able to talk to both. You see, women as a rule don’t like a man in a dress doing some odd parody of a woman. Yes, fine to laugh at men in dresses on TV, but generally women do not want this type of behaviour 'in their back yard', so to speak. However, if you go back to the dating circuit and look at today's’ trends, there are genetic female lesbians that are quite attracted to a well turned out dresser who identifies and acts female in every respect. It is for this reason I make lots of lesbian friends when I am out clubbing and have 'spent time' with a choice few. What regularly amuses me no end, is that with my experience I am more of a stud than most of the louts down the local pub who would laugh and jeer at Steffie. Suck it boys – I have evolved beyond you.
Sadly, there is one major caveat on this apparently exciting development. Of the genetic females I have met and who were interested in me, it seemed the relationship was more of a fantasy-fling-come-experimentation thing, rather than something that was likely to turn into a long term deal. It is not unusual for females to experiment together in a way lots of guys don't, and so it is not unusual for you to end up in the "fun-thing-to-try" bucket list. Still, beggars can’t be choosers. Even if the relationship is short lived, a lesbian night with a genetic female should definitely be on your list of Top 100 things to do before you die. Unless of course, you have already done it. Damn it, even if you have, add it back on the list and do it again because it is simply a wonderful experience.
Admirer Group 5. Other "dressers"
Now when it comes to admirers who are also themselves dressers it all starts to get a bit hazy in my mind what exactly is going on. We are in the situation where beautiful and open-minded people are getting together with similar like-minded people and just doing what feels right. Sounds a bit like the late 60's hippy movement doesn't it? Yeah, I know, and I don't really have a better answer.
I think the most likely scenario being played out when an admirer is also a dresser, is that they are so fundamentally in love with the female image, the admirer is just as capable of being attracted to a good looking dresser, as they are to a good looking genetic female. When it comes to the bedroom, should a real life meet/relationship progress that far, well I think if two dressers get sufficiently lost in each others female personas then whatever genitals are presented is sort of, well you know, okay.
It is interesting that for the amount of nice comments I receive from other dressers online I am fortunate that in real life other dressers very rarely hit on me. Fortunate? Yes, indeed so, because as a rule I am not into other dressers and tend to politely decline even when approached. That said, you will notice I have said "as a rule" and there are a few outrageously stunning trans-girls I have known over the years for whom I would have considered making an exception. And you will note that I have now volunteered "considered making an exception" but in the loosest of terms so to avoid being pinned down. For those that play video games, welcome to the sisterhood level 28 perk 'Lead people on whilst never directly saying what is in your mind.'
Meets and dating
So, my final discussion point on admirers is what to do when meeting one in real life for the first time. Again, I will apologise if this is all blindingly obvious, but some of these ideas may be of interest to my dear readers.
Before agreeing to meet any admirer in real life, it is a good idea to figure out if they are genuine or just a fantasist. There is nothing more annoying than getting yourself all dolled up to then realise that the person you are meant to be meeting is never coming because the idea of meeting a dresser is no more than a fantasy in their head. I have been in this situation before and it is seriously annoying. In my experience it is quite easy to spot a fantasist as they have a tendency to talk in overtly sexual overtones (they are a creep) and they create lots of stories and scenarios around you when you talk before the meet. Why is this? Well, in all likelihood the fantasist is typing one handed, whilst using the other hand to do other things. They are getting off on the idea of meeting a dresser and where that could lead, but in reality, will never do it. Seems kind of obvious, but genuine people talk in real terms and don't create lots of fantasies around you. Lots of overtly sexual messages from a fantasist is normally the trigger for me to close the message box and ignore the admirer.
This next tip is atypical female behaviour and was gifted to me directly from genetic girlfriends in Manchester, many years ago. It is an important consideration when meeting an admirer for the first time to avoid entering into an overtly lavish date or trip that immediately sets expectations on you - I am talking about sexual expectations. Yes, of course if you find yourself in the situation where you want to have some fun with an admirer, having decided you have some chemistry, then go for it. However, accepting overly generous entertainment or gifts may lead the admirer to think he has bought you, and also leave you feeling obliged if you are submissive in nature. I always try to keep things low key for a start, in order to avoid putting myself in an awkward position. You will notice I have said 'try' as I am maybe not always best at this rule as I so enjoy being treated like a princess...naughty Steffie. So, it is definitely a case of "do as I say, and not as I do."
The cross-dressing world would not be the same without admirers, the kind souls who leave nice comment on our pictures and enhance the female experience for us. That said, always be on guard for the dodgy admirers particularly when out in public and at night. Also be aware of when you are having fun with an admirer, and when you are in fact encouraging them into a course of action you don't really want. That is silly and unfair for all concerned. And if you have stories of idiotic admirers then feel free to share. God put every creature on earth for a purpose...and for the idiotic admirer, that includes making us laugh.